Clarity
by Andraia452
Summary: The sequel to TheWinterMe's "As Long As You Love Me". Donatello's reflection on his threesome with April and Raphael.


_I highly suggest you read TheWinterMe's "As Long As You Love Me" first, so this story makes more sense. This was written with her permission. She is an __**amazing**__ author; you should check out her other works as well. (PS - Thanks for reading, reviewing and those several incredible lines!)_

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**'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need**  
**Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why**

**If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?**  
**If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?**

**Clarity - Zedd**

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_What have I done?_

It should have been one of the greatest moments of his life, losing his virginity to April O'Neil. Her lips were so soft, her hair so silky, her body so warm. It would have been perfect.

If only his brother hadn't been there, too.

What should have had him blissful and secure, instead filled him with disgust, and he swallowed hard to force down the vomit that threatened to arise.

He had definitely been surprised when April approached him with the proposal. A three way with her - and Raph. While Donatello certainly wasn't keen on the 'and Raph' caveat, how could he refuse a chance to be with _her_? He knew this may be a one time offer, and if he denied her, he may never again get this opportunity. Plus, he was desperately hoping she'd realize she'd chosen the wrong brother and be his.

But now, she was gone, and he sat - and slept - alone on the tainted bed.

They'd barely had any interaction in the days following, and he couldn't even make eye contact with his brother. If anyone noticed the strained relationship, they hadn't said anything, most likely chalking it up to the strain of losing their father, home, and city.

However, Donatello knew better, and the guilt and shame he felt were tearing him apart.

"_Take your time. Think about it_." April had told him.

Once he had looked up into her cerulean eyes full of lust, he knew there was no turning back. He nodded and told her it was okay. He had tried to focus just on her as Raphael locked the bedroom door. Could she feel his heart racing? She had to know how much he wanted her. He should be outraged at being used. Appalled she would request this of him. All of the potential anger had melted away the moment she straddled his lap. As he closed his eyes to re-live that part of the memory, he tried to edit out his brother. The cascading moonlight highlighting her yearning face. Flushed, freckled cheeks. Soft, porcelain skin. Knees touching. Possessively biting her neck. The unwelcome extra weight crushing him further into the mattress. He frowned at the sour thoughts.

A gentle knock at his door made him open his eyes. It creaked open, and his fiery goddess made her way toward him.

"Hey, Donnie," she began softly. "Can I come in?"

He gulped as he nodded. His breath caught in his throat when he felt the bed dip from the pressure of the girl beside him.

"I don't need my psychic abilities to tell you feel a little awkward about what happened."

"Our consensual fornication did have certain negative ramifications."

April furrowed her brows in confusion.

"But, I don't regret our interaction. April, being with you was so surreal, so amazing."

"Thanks, Donnie. It was pretty amazing for me, too."

Donatello leaned toward April, entangled her locks in his fingers, and pulled her toward his eager mouth. Tongues intertwined. He needed this. He needed to make her his.

April allowed herself to be lost in the kiss for a few minutes before gently pulling back. She touched her pouty lips with her fingertips. "We can't do this, Don." Her eyes gestured to an empty space in the room. "Raph."

Donatello sucked in his bottom lip to halt the tears that threatened to fall. "But, why, April?"

"You know I'm with him." She nervously fidgeted with her hands in her lap.

"I know, but, WHY, April? Why him? Why not me?" His cracked voice betrayed him.

This was what she was afraid of. She had wanted to enjoy both brothers together. She hadn't fully thought out how Donatello would feel about it afterward. She tried to choose her words carefully, as to not damage more of the inventor's spirit. "Raph and I … have a lot in common. He pushes me to do things I didn't know I could. We just … fit, make sense, you know? But, I care for you, Donnie. You're super sweet and nice."

Donatello felt his stomach sink. _Super sweet? Nice?_ As Casey would say, he just got "friend-zoned." And what could she and Raph possibly have in common? She was brilliant; He was a complete meathead. Surely he shared more of a mental bond with her than his oaf of a brother. She loves to study. He strives to learn how things work. How could she not see that she should be with _him_? That _they_ were the perfect fit.

_My brother. My brother. My brother._ I committed such a vile act to please her, and she doesn't even want me. The more he thought about it, the increasingly mortified he became about what he had done and the dishonor he had laid upon his family's crest.

But what if it had been a test? To see which brother she preferred - and he failed it miserably. Had his lack of experience hindered his success with her? Was he a disappointment in the bedroom? Humiliated, he croaked, "I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you."

Her nose crinkled. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you know, in doing … things." He ran his hand across the mattress. "I'm sure Raph is more knowledgeable in carnal activity…" Donatello shuddered as he trailed off.

April blushed. Typical Donatello, worried about not living up to the standard of perfection he sets for himself. She chided herself silently for not being more mindful of his self expectations, the misplaced doubt, and added pressure of it being his first time. In order to secure the possibility of a future rendezvous, she would need to overcompensate with reassurance. "Don't worry, Donnie. You were great." April nervously twirled her scarlet locks. "In fact, I was kinda hoping the three of us could get together on a regular basis …"

Donatello looked at her, horrified, bile rising in his throat. "April, I love you," he softly whispered, wondering if he could somehow change her mind. As she sat there, unmoved, he recoiled from her request, lowering his gaze as he pleadingly willed her to realize that the act they had committed was utterly deplorable. "I don't want to share you with anyone. I can't share you with anyone ... especially with acts of intimacy."

April nodded, disappointed by his response. "I understand." The bed creaked when she rose and soft footsteps led to the door. Her hand lingered on the frame before she left. "Maybe one day you'll change your mind."


End file.
